I need to take off my skin
Cause it doesn’t fit anymore
It’s either too tight
Or too big
It’s the wrong color
And has a weird shape
It doesn’t fit properly anymore
Like it used to
Like it did when you were here with me
And in those days
If I ever complained about
The awkwardness of my skin
You had a way to pull it a little here and there
And say “Here, now it’s better, you see?”
And it was better indeed
My skin can only fit with you in it.
Esto está buenísimo porque "La web" se encarga de guardar las cosas que uno piensa. No gasta espacio en mi ordenador... Ni en mi cabeza.
I can't breathe without me
I can't breathe
Lately
And I know
It's because
I've spent too long far from myself
And far from you of course
But mostly
Far from myself
My chest hurts all the time
Because of all the things I can't control
Exist all the time
It feels inescapable
I need
To have a safe place
To be myself
And drink green juice
And to be alone
So I'm not lonely
Anymore.
Lately
And I know
It's because
I've spent too long far from myself
And far from you of course
But mostly
Far from myself
My chest hurts all the time
Because of all the things I can't control
Exist all the time
It feels inescapable
I need
To have a safe place
To be myself
And drink green juice
And to be alone
So I'm not lonely
Anymore.
Ignorance is bliss
Quiero volver a ser una persona ignorante
Y desayunar la mitad de un sándwich
Con jamón de pavo, queso panela, jitomate y mayonesa light.
Quiero tomar un capuchino a las 11 am.
Con Leche light
Quiero comer un caldo de pollo con verduras
O un caldo tlalpeño
O una ensalada
O maybe maaaaaaybe una pechuga asada
Quiero comer un yogurt a las 5 pm
Quiero volver a cenar una quesadilla
O dos salchichas con mostaza
O un jitomate con aceite y vinagre...
Women vs Man Child
I am my own multitude
Thousands of different woman reside within me
I am the strong independent woman
I am the tiny helpless woman
I am the woman who speaks her mind
I am the woman who keeps to herself
I am a source of confort
I am a source of conflict
I breathe fire
I inhale fire
I turn it into water as I dissolve myself in it
I am the woman who chooses to put her family above all
And also the woman who puts herself first
I am the rage within me and the joy I can cause
I am the laughter the cursing the swelling the
Woman who’s done
I am a woman
While you are but a man child
You are a man child who knows no better but to savage and hurt and kill
And your mind is too small to comprehend the world
and your eyes are too narrow to even see it
But I am not one woman but all the women in the world
And I am done being afraid
We are done being afraid
Thousands of different woman reside within me
I am the strong independent woman
I am the tiny helpless woman
I am the woman who speaks her mind
I am the woman who keeps to herself
I am a source of confort
I am a source of conflict
I breathe fire
I inhale fire
I turn it into water as I dissolve myself in it
I am the woman who chooses to put her family above all
And also the woman who puts herself first
I am the rage within me and the joy I can cause
I am the laughter the cursing the swelling the
Woman who’s done
I am a woman
While you are but a man child
You are a man child who knows no better but to savage and hurt and kill
And your mind is too small to comprehend the world
and your eyes are too narrow to even see it
But I am not one woman but all the women in the world
And I am done being afraid
We are done being afraid
Lonely
I am never as lonely
As I am when I'm with you
When I can't even be alone with myself
And enjoy my own company
When I'm with you
I have to force myself to be someone I'm not
I have to pretend
All the time
I try and be invisible
I try and not exist
When I'm with you
I'm scared to breathe the wrong way
You probably feel the same when you're around me
Yet
We are doomed to pretend
We need each other
And like each other
And love each other
Until it's all over
And, as it's been said before...
It ain't over till it's over
This is exhausting
Topsy
Whenever I found out about this kind of thing by accident
I should repeat this
(As a mantra)
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
that shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
That shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
That shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
I should repeat this
(As a mantra)
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
that shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
That shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
That was in 1903
That would never happen again
That shows progress
And progress is good
Regardless of how slow it is
A People
Today I found the phrase
“a people”
In a book
And I missed you being around for me to comment on it
Because
Even though you’ve already explained it to me
It’s the kind of thing nobody else I know knows
And asking you about it again
Reminds me of how smart you are
And I love you for that
Pf...
Now I’ve made myself miss you by writing this post...
But I’ll see you soon enough
Soon enough
This is how you remind me
Instagram reminds me that even if I don't know who I am it's okay, because I keep trying to find me.
When I don’t want to be with me.
Who wants to keep me company?
My books about cultures which have nothing to do with mine
My empty drawings
or my pointless online courses ?
Who wants to keep me company?
Languages I learn but will never use
Podcasts which I barely listen to
Music which I used to enjoy
Who wants to keep me company?
My wasted iPad maybe
Or my unsuccessful blog
All the apps I’ve downloaded
And the ones which came along
Who wants to keep me company?
When I don’t want to be with me
Neither do I want to be with you
Please just let me be
My books about cultures which have nothing to do with mine
My empty drawings
or my pointless online courses ?
Who wants to keep me company?
Languages I learn but will never use
Podcasts which I barely listen to
Music which I used to enjoy
Who wants to keep me company?
My wasted iPad maybe
Or my unsuccessful blog
All the apps I’ve downloaded
And the ones which came along
Who wants to keep me company?
When I don’t want to be with me
Neither do I want to be with you
Please just let me be
I don't want no nothing.
Everything and everyone
Go away
Leave me alone
It was all fake
It wasn't true
In the inside I still scream
My guts still wring from within
Tomorrow no nothing
Love unconditionally
Maybe I don't love you anymore
And maybe
That's a good thing
For me
Because I cannot love you unconditionally
I think
I tried it
I think
And I got nothing out of it
And of this last part
I'm sure
I
Got
Nothing
Out
Of
It
I can no longer love you
Unconditionally
Because let's say it
Neither do you
Your love is conditioned
I think
Upon me doing what you want me to
Turns out
That so is mine
It's clear
We've reached and impasse
So there
I guess we can't love each other anymore
Because neither one is willing to give up
And that's ok
I've learned to choose my battles
And you are not a battle I wanna chose anymore.
I choose me.
I choose to win my own battle.
Even if that means I have to fight it alone.
I cannot love you unconditionally
But I can
Love myself unconditionally
And that's what I'm gonna do.
Corazón
Ya supe definir lo que me pasa
Tengo el corazón muy pendejo
Es eso
Una nueva enfermedad aurodiagnosticada
Por mi
Death
Death is really inconvenient
Isn’t it?
It’s awkward
And uncomfortable
And often has very bad timing.
I see why no one wants to speak about it. I don’t blame them.
Death, why can’t you die yourself?
And if you did...
Would that mean we would live forever?
One dies many times along one’s life
Except from some of them...
You can’t come back.
Isn’t it?
It’s awkward
And uncomfortable
And often has very bad timing.
I see why no one wants to speak about it. I don’t blame them.
Death, why can’t you die yourself?
And if you did...
Would that mean we would live forever?
One dies many times along one’s life
Except from some of them...
You can’t come back.
Sleepy and tired. Good.
I've never wondered why
It's harder to write a poem when you're happy than when you're sad.
I've honestly always thought happy poems are kind of bland
I have this idea they're some cliché version of roses are red violets are blue
Today was a good day
Eventhough I ate more crackers than I should have
I'm sleepy and tired
In a good way
I would write a poem about being sleepy and tired if I wasn't feeling precisely that way.
Heavy-shadow-writing
Heavy heavy heavy
My soul is always heavy
It carries things unknown
Shadow shadow shadow
Creeps in
Darkening the real world
Writing writing writing
Lift your spirit
See the light.
Quisiera ser hombre
Pero si me llevo la lap y el iPad me va a pesar mucho la mochila
Pero si la dejo en el coche que tal que se la roban
Pero si me la bajó que tal que me asaltan
Pero si dejo la lap en la casa no me va a dar tiempo de regresar por ella para la segunda clase que la necesito.
This is exhausting.
Mamá
Todo el mundo siempre me ha dicho que hable contigo
Que te escriba una carta
que te grabe un vídeo
Estoy muy decepcionada de ti.
Estoy muy enojada contigo.
Por que creo que me has puesto en una posición muy difícil y no se me hace justo.
Que toda la vida me hayas dicho que me querías más que a nada en el mundo cuando claramente mi bienestar no te interesa.
Ya me cansé de que me duela el pecho.
Ya me cansé de ir contra corriente.
Ya me cansé de rogarte que vivas.
Ya mejor te escribí una carta real
En Word
Y toda la cosa
Que te escriba una carta
que te grabe un vídeo
Estoy muy decepcionada de ti.
Estoy muy enojada contigo.
Por que creo que me has puesto en una posición muy difícil y no se me hace justo.
Que toda la vida me hayas dicho que me querías más que a nada en el mundo cuando claramente mi bienestar no te interesa.
Ya me cansé de que me duela el pecho.
Ya me cansé de ir contra corriente.
Ya me cansé de rogarte que vivas.
Ya mejor te escribí una carta real
En Word
Y toda la cosa
Let me in. Let me out.
Se acuerdan del sandcastle que me había construido?
Si me sigue gustando y todo pero...
A veces
Me desespero
Y no sé porque
No sé como nombrar ese sentimiento
Si dibujo con lápices me siento culpable por no dibujar con el iPad.
Si dibujo con el iPad me siento culpable por no dibujar con lápices
Si estoy adentro me siento culpable por tener una terraza que no uso
Si estoy afuera me siento mal por hacer que Pepe me trajera mi escritorio
Si dibujo me pregunto “Qué demonios voy a hacer con este dibujo?”
Si no dibujo me siento mal por no intentarlo...
Y más o menos así es todos los días
Probablemente en mi vida pasada fui un gato...
And so I’m cursed to draw a giraffe with her calf
And tell myself “this would be a good present for my mom”
Just to realize she couldn’t appreciate it at all...
and yet, I’m cursed to go back to it
Time and time again
Si me sigue gustando y todo pero...
A veces
Me desespero
Y no sé porque
No sé como nombrar ese sentimiento
Si dibujo con lápices me siento culpable por no dibujar con el iPad.
Si dibujo con el iPad me siento culpable por no dibujar con lápices
Si estoy adentro me siento culpable por tener una terraza que no uso
Si estoy afuera me siento mal por hacer que Pepe me trajera mi escritorio
Si dibujo me pregunto “Qué demonios voy a hacer con este dibujo?”
Si no dibujo me siento mal por no intentarlo...
Y más o menos así es todos los días
Probablemente en mi vida pasada fui un gato...
And so I’m cursed to draw a giraffe with her calf
And tell myself “this would be a good present for my mom”
Just to realize she couldn’t appreciate it at all...
and yet, I’m cursed to go back to it
Time and time again
Your sandcastle
This weekend I learned
that each person is responsible
for building their own sandcastle
even if they don't know how to build one
I like the sandcastle I've built for myself so far
And I'm honestly relieved
to learn that
that's pretty much
all that matters.
that each person is responsible
for building their own sandcastle
even if they don't know how to build one
I like the sandcastle I've built for myself so far
And I'm honestly relieved
to learn that
that's pretty much
all that matters.
México
When you're watching the countryside roll by
Everything seems possible
Perhaps everything IS possible
Mexico, promise me to always be here
With your sheep grazing amidst the go-kart track
With your impunctuality, lack of formalities and always laid back
Never did I think I would appreciate the "Talachas" sign
Too millenial for me
Hoy sentí gacho porque
aunque Tanya vino
y horneamos cositas y así...
La sentía mas preocupada por publicar su...
cosa millenial con fotos y canciones
al final ni entendí que era
y pues me sentí confundida
claro que sólo fueron como 5 minutos
pero...
me dejó como una espinita
quiensabe
a lo mejor yo soy la que está falta de atención...
y eso es todo.
aunque Tanya vino
y horneamos cositas y así...
La sentía mas preocupada por publicar su...
cosa millenial con fotos y canciones
al final ni entendí que era
y pues me sentí confundida
claro que sólo fueron como 5 minutos
pero...
me dejó como una espinita
quiensabe
a lo mejor yo soy la que está falta de atención...
y eso es todo.
Fer rul
Como cuando fer rul no entendía que yo tuviera posters en la pared
And my plans are bananas but
If we don't put people first
What kind of people are we.
If we don't put people first
What kind of people are we.
The many deaths of Yumi Furumashi
It's a metaphor for how parents die many times
Like
I cant make my father laugh anymore
I feel anxious all the time I'm with him
because I can never tell when he's going to fly into a rage
Part of him has died
But maybe I only notice it
because it's the part of him I liked.
Die die die
Is it because we will all die that I should stuff myself with cake, pasta, pizza and so?
We only live and die once after all.
Apparently some people believe it's worth living a life of sickness
Because cake, pasta pizza and so are delicious after all.
The body dies little by little
I guess
And so does the soul
Although I swear my soul is more alive now
than it ever was before
We are all cells
We are all pixels
And every day we all
Die little by little
So perhaps instead of enjoying living
we should enjoy dying
Yumi Furumashi dies every day...don't you know?
Like
I cant make my father laugh anymore
I feel anxious all the time I'm with him
because I can never tell when he's going to fly into a rage
Part of him has died
But maybe I only notice it
because it's the part of him I liked.
Die die die
Is it because we will all die that I should stuff myself with cake, pasta, pizza and so?
We only live and die once after all.
Apparently some people believe it's worth living a life of sickness
Because cake, pasta pizza and so are delicious after all.
The body dies little by little
I guess
And so does the soul
Although I swear my soul is more alive now
than it ever was before
We are all cells
We are all pixels
And every day we all
Die little by little
So perhaps instead of enjoying living
we should enjoy dying
Yumi Furumashi dies every day...don't you know?
There used to be a zoo here
There used to be a zoo here
But there isn’t one no more
Cuz people felt sad for the tiger who was trapped in a tiny cage
Going round and round in circles all day
So we built them beautiful enclosures
Which resembled the places they had come from
People liked it for a while
And started coming back
At first it was all good
Even the animals felt better
So good, that some of them started reproducing like crazy
And we had so many of them
We had to sell them to circuses
Or private owners
Or
For better or for worse
Put them down when they were born
People didn’t mind this
Because people didn’t know
There used to be a zoo here
But there isn’t one no more
Cuz one day people realized taking animals from their environment just so we could look at them wasn’t cool at all
and those people came no more
We tried to tell them zoos were important
In fact
For the conservation of these animals
For their habitats were themselves endangered
They believed it for a while
And started coming back
But they felt sad looking at the polar bear forced to live in a nearly-tropical climate
All thin and dirty
Just laying there all day
Without even knowing what it would be like to hunt a seal
Or have a penguin snack for a change
There used to be a zoo here
Bit there isn't one no more
because the day finally came when people realized
the treatment we had been giving to animals
wasn't fair at all
So they stopped going to the circus first
then they stopped going to the zoo
and the zoo that used to be here
was the first one to be closed for good.
But there isn’t one no more
Cuz people felt sad for the tiger who was trapped in a tiny cage
Going round and round in circles all day
So we built them beautiful enclosures
Which resembled the places they had come from
People liked it for a while
And started coming back
At first it was all good
Even the animals felt better
So good, that some of them started reproducing like crazy
And we had so many of them
We had to sell them to circuses
Or private owners
Or
For better or for worse
Put them down when they were born
People didn’t mind this
Because people didn’t know
There used to be a zoo here
But there isn’t one no more
Cuz one day people realized taking animals from their environment just so we could look at them wasn’t cool at all
and those people came no more
We tried to tell them zoos were important
In fact
For the conservation of these animals
For their habitats were themselves endangered
They believed it for a while
And started coming back
But they felt sad looking at the polar bear forced to live in a nearly-tropical climate
All thin and dirty
Just laying there all day
Without even knowing what it would be like to hunt a seal
Or have a penguin snack for a change
There used to be a zoo here
Bit there isn't one no more
because the day finally came when people realized
the treatment we had been giving to animals
wasn't fair at all
So they stopped going to the circus first
then they stopped going to the zoo
and the zoo that used to be here
was the first one to be closed for good.
Es que no te acuerdas de ti
Acuérdate de ti
O tu crees que tu eres tu?
O tu crees que tu eres tu?
No
Ésta no eres tu.
Ésta no eres tu.
Yo he decidido que tu no existes más
Aunque a todo el mundo le pareció muy extraño.
Quizás puedas volver a existir
Regresar del mundo de los muertos
Y vivir
Como si de verdad estuvieras viva.
"I will eat avocados. Lots of them"
Iain said I should write a list of the things I want to do when I go back to Mexico
so I've been giving it some thought
though I must say staying focused is difficult because all I can think of is
"I will eat avocados. Lots of them"
And figs...although they're not particularly "mexicanful" (they're from the mediterranean. I just checked).
I half feel as if the time I'll be in Mexico I will be doing nothing but hanging out with my family. See friends. Be with Kira.
The other half of me feels like it's gonna be some life changing moment for people around me and they'll finally realize how ridiculous it is that they live in that massive, expensive, difficult to keep house and they'll decide to find a smaller place to live and I'll be helping with the moving and all that.
Yet, sometimes I feel like I won't even have time to be in Mexico and do either one of these things because the greencard process appears to be faster than I initially thought.
Sometimes I also think about going back to studying French.
Going out for a walk or even a jog in a place not covered with ice.
Maybe visiting the teachers in Puebla.
Teaching online classes perhaps just so I don't drive myself crazy with free time.
Oh
and going to Costco
buying peanut butter
yes...
so I've been giving it some thought
though I must say staying focused is difficult because all I can think of is
"I will eat avocados. Lots of them"
And figs...although they're not particularly "mexicanful" (they're from the mediterranean. I just checked).
I half feel as if the time I'll be in Mexico I will be doing nothing but hanging out with my family. See friends. Be with Kira.
The other half of me feels like it's gonna be some life changing moment for people around me and they'll finally realize how ridiculous it is that they live in that massive, expensive, difficult to keep house and they'll decide to find a smaller place to live and I'll be helping with the moving and all that.
Yet, sometimes I feel like I won't even have time to be in Mexico and do either one of these things because the greencard process appears to be faster than I initially thought.
Sometimes I also think about going back to studying French.
Going out for a walk or even a jog in a place not covered with ice.
Maybe visiting the teachers in Puebla.
Teaching online classes perhaps just so I don't drive myself crazy with free time.
Oh
and going to Costco
buying peanut butter
yes...
Please post more stuff...
You know how people complain about how everyone is documenting their lives on social media?
As in "I don't need to know what you are having for lunch, thank you"
And how "people just upload pictures of their trips to brag about how perfect their life is"?
Supposedly, nobody posts how they really feel
or who they really are
Sometimes I open facebook
for no reason
I open it
and see nothing interesting in it
so I close it
and then I open it again without knowing why
It's a waste of time
and I'm sorry to say this, people in my contacts,
but it's your fault
it's your fault that it's a waste of time
you never post anything about your life anymore
you only share the unknown facts of the blue whale
and the results of the "Which Disney princess are you?" quiz you just took
I see facebook (and all other social media websites) as a guardian of all the things I want to remember
the cool places I visited
and the weird thoughts I had
the picture a student drew of me as a reporter
and that night when a lady insisted on taking pictures of us next to her Christmas tree
the first time I made Borsch soup and it wasn't half bad...
It occurs to me that I open and close Facebook because
whether in Mexico or in Russia
I'd like to know what everyone else is up to
Like how Vanessa from Veterinary school does flying yoga (or something) and she now seems to be in Dubai (or some middle east country).
How Eric Gnomo has a goat farm and the other Eric is apparently a fitness trainer (who, btw, has a very nice German Shepherd)
How Diana's jogging route gets longer each day
How Iain's mom notices takes photos of how the plants and animals around her react to the changing weather.
How Lidia can apparently crochet wonderful stuff while listening to obscure music I hadn't even heard of.
How Vero's family keeps growing and getting stronger everyday.
So,
please DO document your lives in social media
please do let me know what you're having for lunch
please do show me the cool places you've visited
please be happy
and if you are
be proud to share it.
As in "I don't need to know what you are having for lunch, thank you"
And how "people just upload pictures of their trips to brag about how perfect their life is"?
Supposedly, nobody posts how they really feel
or who they really are
Sometimes I open facebook
for no reason
I open it
and see nothing interesting in it
so I close it
and then I open it again without knowing why
It's a waste of time
and I'm sorry to say this, people in my contacts,
but it's your fault
it's your fault that it's a waste of time
you never post anything about your life anymore
you only share the unknown facts of the blue whale
and the results of the "Which Disney princess are you?" quiz you just took
I see facebook (and all other social media websites) as a guardian of all the things I want to remember
the cool places I visited
and the weird thoughts I had
the picture a student drew of me as a reporter
and that night when a lady insisted on taking pictures of us next to her Christmas tree
the first time I made Borsch soup and it wasn't half bad...
It occurs to me that I open and close Facebook because
whether in Mexico or in Russia
I'd like to know what everyone else is up to
Like how Vanessa from Veterinary school does flying yoga (or something) and she now seems to be in Dubai (or some middle east country).
How Eric Gnomo has a goat farm and the other Eric is apparently a fitness trainer (who, btw, has a very nice German Shepherd)
How Diana's jogging route gets longer each day
How Iain's mom notices takes photos of how the plants and animals around her react to the changing weather.
How Lidia can apparently crochet wonderful stuff while listening to obscure music I hadn't even heard of.
How Vero's family keeps growing and getting stronger everyday.
So,
please DO document your lives in social media
please do let me know what you're having for lunch
please do show me the cool places you've visited
please be happy
and if you are
be proud to share it.
Stromae Witness
When I was little
I was obsessed with several artists
(one at a time though)
I was obsessed with Bon Jovi and how attractive I thought he was
then it was Marilyn Manson
but we all now how that ended kinda badly
I was obsessed with memorizing their birthdate and birthplace, the name of their parents and brothers and whether they were married or not
If they were in fact married that kinda spoiled all the fun
but anyway...
For the longest time I've tried to not think about that strange fixation I had back then
except
It's happening again
Why the hell isn't anybody talking all the time about Stromae?
Do we understand the level of talent this dude ... has?
Do we not realize how unique this all is?
Why isn't everybody talking about him?
Did I miss it? Was everyone talking about him in 2009 when "Alors on danse" came out?
I can't stop watching his videos
and interviews
and everything
And finding out all I can about him
(the internet has made my job a lot easier I must say...)
And he is so tall!
And he is only 7 days older than me
I guess this is how religious people feel when they knock on your door and ask you if you wanna let the lord into your house today.
I should be a Stromae Witness.
Knock knock
"Excuse me
do you have a minute to let good music into your house today? "
Perhaps I've finally found what I was sent here to do.
I was obsessed with several artists
(one at a time though)
I was obsessed with Bon Jovi and how attractive I thought he was
then it was Marilyn Manson
but we all now how that ended kinda badly
I was obsessed with memorizing their birthdate and birthplace, the name of their parents and brothers and whether they were married or not
If they were in fact married that kinda spoiled all the fun
but anyway...
For the longest time I've tried to not think about that strange fixation I had back then
except
It's happening again
Why the hell isn't anybody talking all the time about Stromae?
Do we understand the level of talent this dude ... has?
Do we not realize how unique this all is?
Why isn't everybody talking about him?
Did I miss it? Was everyone talking about him in 2009 when "Alors on danse" came out?
I can't stop watching his videos
and interviews
and everything
And finding out all I can about him
(the internet has made my job a lot easier I must say...)
And he is so tall!
And he is only 7 days older than me
I guess this is how religious people feel when they knock on your door and ask you if you wanna let the lord into your house today.
I should be a Stromae Witness.
Knock knock
"Excuse me
do you have a minute to let good music into your house today? "
Perhaps I've finally found what I was sent here to do.
I'm fat
I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat
You wouldn't believe how many times in a day I hear those words in my brain
When I wake up I'm fat
When I choose to skip a meal I'm fat
and when I eat, I eat because well...
I'm fat anyway
I've been fatter than I am now
but
I've also been less fat
Less fat
I've never been thin
never will be
I was born fat and I will die fat
and that's all that will ever matter
Everytime I see my mom
she comments on whether I'm more or less fat than the last time she commented on it
And when I dream
I dream of people telling me that I'm fatter than I think
Or less fat than I think
but it doesn't matter
Because whether it's more or less
It's always there
I once thought I had had this epihpany
when I realized whether I was fat or not didn't matter as much
as long as I was healthy
But I don't even feel healthy anymore
and perhaps I'm phyisically healthy but I don't think I'm having healthy thoughts about this anymore.
And I don't know how to turn the "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" into anything positive at all.
You wouldn't believe how many times in a day I hear those words in my brain
When I wake up I'm fat
When I choose to skip a meal I'm fat
and when I eat, I eat because well...
I'm fat anyway
I've been fatter than I am now
but
I've also been less fat
Less fat
I've never been thin
never will be
I was born fat and I will die fat
and that's all that will ever matter
Everytime I see my mom
she comments on whether I'm more or less fat than the last time she commented on it
And when I dream
I dream of people telling me that I'm fatter than I think
Or less fat than I think
but it doesn't matter
Because whether it's more or less
It's always there
I once thought I had had this epihpany
when I realized whether I was fat or not didn't matter as much
as long as I was healthy
But I don't even feel healthy anymore
and perhaps I'm phyisically healthy but I don't think I'm having healthy thoughts about this anymore.
And I don't know how to turn the "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" into anything positive at all.
A Dream Happy and Sad at the same time
You in my dreams are ageless
you are the same age you were the last time I saw you
In the dream
I was upset and worried about many things
like the fact that my dog was white and instead of brown-red
or that the other dog was in need of a vet
when that was sorted out
we took a family picture
and you were in it
except everyone had aged and you hadn't
when I woke up I realized it's because my brain has no image of an older version of you
so it just filled in the space with the image I do have of you.
It's a good one.
I've always felt bad that you didn't get to see how now we get along well
how grateful I am now to have a brother and a sister
but everytime I worry about it
there's a voice inside my head that tells me
"He already knows"
And then I feel both happy and sad at the same time.
Dance
I wish sometimes that I could dance
like really really dance
all my life I thought that it would be better to be able to sing
like really really sing
but lately I've been watching Bollywood videos and I can't help but feel marveled
as if they were not humans but tanned angels
and in Stromae and Sia's videos the dancers have this organic quality
as if they were one with the air
perhaps now I'm thinking about this because it's so out of the question
I could have sang more or less decently if I had had a vocal coach or something
(I think)
but the chances of me ever dancing remotely well are just bananas...
at least I can teach
like really really teach
like really really dance
all my life I thought that it would be better to be able to sing
like really really sing
but lately I've been watching Bollywood videos and I can't help but feel marveled
as if they were not humans but tanned angels
and in Stromae and Sia's videos the dancers have this organic quality
as if they were one with the air
perhaps now I'm thinking about this because it's so out of the question
I could have sang more or less decently if I had had a vocal coach or something
(I think)
but the chances of me ever dancing remotely well are just bananas...
at least I can teach
like really really teach
Para muchos, Roma será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste...
Para muchos, Roma será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste
Pero para mi fue una película muy importante
Gracias a Roma
Me acuerdo
De mis recuerdos
Me acuerdo de Mary
Y de que ella también perdió a su bebé
Y yo sin querer
Moví un juguete
De esos que hacen una cancioncita
Y ella empezó a llorar
Por mucho tiempo
No podía dejar de llorar
Y yo pensaba que era mi culpa que llorara
después entendí
que no era mi culpa
Y me acuerdo muy poco de Lidia
Sólo tengo grabada una memoria
De cuando la Tía Marta y ella se pelearon
Por el volumen del radio en la cocina
Pero seguro Lidia tenía la razón
Porque Tía Marta ...pues no creo
Me acuerdo muy bien de la primera Sofía
de que veíamos las telenovelas juntas
Y después Féliz también vino
yo quería jugar “Basta” con ellas
me costo mucho trabajo convencerlas de que “H20” era algo que en verdad existía
aunque ahora que lo pienso, no es realmente una palabra
Y recuerdo que Sofía no sabía leer ni escribir bien
Y mi mamá le enseñaba
Y no entiendo de donde sacaba energía mi mamá
Para ponerse a revisar mi tarea
Y luego la de Sofía
Después de haber trabajado todo el día
Luego me acuerdo de Rome
Porque por primera y única vez aprendí
(Mas o menos)
a cuidar a un bebé
Y a darle plátano con una cuchara
Se llamaba (bueno, se llama) Fernando...
Pero también recuerdo cuando Pelusa casi lo mordió
Y yo creo que es de las veces que más me he asustado
Pero claro que de quien mas me acuerdo es de Sofi
(O sea, la segunda Sofía)
Porque nunca había la casa estado tan pero tan limpia por tanto tiempo
En todos lados
Y en todos los rincones
Y recuerdo cuando Sofi llegó y Pelusa la quiso morder pero yo la agarré a tiempo
Siempre me sentí muy orgullosa
Y Sofi siempre le tuvo miedo a Pelusa después de eso
(No la culpo)
Y recuerdo cuando me puse a dieta
Y todas las veces que Sofi y yo nos sentábamos juntas a hacer el menú de la semana y la lista del súper
Y de las veces que me hacía agua de limón el día después de que me había ido de fiesta
Y la vez que no podíamos hacer nada porque los albañiles estaban reparando la casa, y yo me puse a hacer dibujos y ella se puso a colorearlos.
Y de cuando en la mañana me preguntaba “Qué pasó ayer en tu libro de cocotón?” y creo que parte de lo que hacía interesante leer cualquier libro
es saber que al día siguiente iba a poder platicarlo con ella
después le pusimos "Cocotón" a la planta carnívora
que creció y creció como ninguna otra
creo que dos o tres veces la tuvimos que cambiar de pecera... lástima que no le gustó la nueva casa y se murió.
Y recuerdo
que aunque se fue, regresó para ayudarme a cuidar a mi mamá en el hospital y francamente...
Yo no hubiera querido que nadie más me ayudara
Para muchos, Roma será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste
Pero para mi fue una película muy importante
No solo por los recuerdos que me trae
Pero porque en mi opinión presenta la realidad de una polémica que, cómo muchas otras polémicas, existe por que la gente no imagina como es en la vida real. La gente imagina que el trato al personal de servicio es déspota e impersonal
Y quizás en algunos casos sea así
Pero en el mío
Y el de todas las personas que conozco
(Salvo, obviamente, la Tía Marta)
Es exactamente como en Roma
Cuando uno es niño
La muchacha es... pues como tu mamá, porque te cuida...
Pero es más que eso.
Es tu confidente, tu maestra, tu acompañante, tu guardaespaldas, tu paño de lágrimas, y finalmente... tu amiga.
No sé lo que uno representa para la muchacha...
Supongo que sí, a veces uno es El Niño maleducado, prepotente, grosero e inútil que todos imaginan que somos. Es verdad. Pero quiero pensar que uno es más que eso...
Ese tipo de cariño...
Innombrable
Inequívoco
inexplicable
Que algunos logramos ver en Roma
Para muchos otros...
Roma siempre será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste
P.S. No se lo digan a Guillermo del Toro, pero nunca antes me había importado tanto,
si una película ganaba o no el Oscar.
Pero para mi fue una película muy importante
Gracias a Roma
Me acuerdo
De mis recuerdos
Me acuerdo de Mary
Y de que ella también perdió a su bebé
Y yo sin querer
Moví un juguete
De esos que hacen una cancioncita
Y ella empezó a llorar
Por mucho tiempo
No podía dejar de llorar
Y yo pensaba que era mi culpa que llorara
después entendí
que no era mi culpa
Y me acuerdo muy poco de Lidia
Sólo tengo grabada una memoria
De cuando la Tía Marta y ella se pelearon
Por el volumen del radio en la cocina
Pero seguro Lidia tenía la razón
Porque Tía Marta ...pues no creo
Me acuerdo muy bien de la primera Sofía
de que veíamos las telenovelas juntas
Y después Féliz también vino
yo quería jugar “Basta” con ellas
me costo mucho trabajo convencerlas de que “H20” era algo que en verdad existía
aunque ahora que lo pienso, no es realmente una palabra
Y recuerdo que Sofía no sabía leer ni escribir bien
Y mi mamá le enseñaba
Y no entiendo de donde sacaba energía mi mamá
Para ponerse a revisar mi tarea
Y luego la de Sofía
Después de haber trabajado todo el día
Luego me acuerdo de Rome
Porque por primera y única vez aprendí
(Mas o menos)
a cuidar a un bebé
Y a darle plátano con una cuchara
Se llamaba (bueno, se llama) Fernando...
Pero también recuerdo cuando Pelusa casi lo mordió
Y yo creo que es de las veces que más me he asustado
Pero claro que de quien mas me acuerdo es de Sofi
(O sea, la segunda Sofía)
Porque nunca había la casa estado tan pero tan limpia por tanto tiempo
En todos lados
Y en todos los rincones
Y recuerdo cuando Sofi llegó y Pelusa la quiso morder pero yo la agarré a tiempo
Siempre me sentí muy orgullosa
Y Sofi siempre le tuvo miedo a Pelusa después de eso
(No la culpo)
Y recuerdo cuando me puse a dieta
Y todas las veces que Sofi y yo nos sentábamos juntas a hacer el menú de la semana y la lista del súper
Y de las veces que me hacía agua de limón el día después de que me había ido de fiesta
Y la vez que no podíamos hacer nada porque los albañiles estaban reparando la casa, y yo me puse a hacer dibujos y ella se puso a colorearlos.
Y de cuando en la mañana me preguntaba “Qué pasó ayer en tu libro de cocotón?” y creo que parte de lo que hacía interesante leer cualquier libro
es saber que al día siguiente iba a poder platicarlo con ella
después le pusimos "Cocotón" a la planta carnívora
que creció y creció como ninguna otra
creo que dos o tres veces la tuvimos que cambiar de pecera... lástima que no le gustó la nueva casa y se murió.
Y recuerdo
que aunque se fue, regresó para ayudarme a cuidar a mi mamá en el hospital y francamente...
Yo no hubiera querido que nadie más me ayudara
Para muchos, Roma será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste
Pero para mi fue una película muy importante
No solo por los recuerdos que me trae
Pero porque en mi opinión presenta la realidad de una polémica que, cómo muchas otras polémicas, existe por que la gente no imagina como es en la vida real. La gente imagina que el trato al personal de servicio es déspota e impersonal
Y quizás en algunos casos sea así
Pero en el mío
Y el de todas las personas que conozco
(Salvo, obviamente, la Tía Marta)
Es exactamente como en Roma
Cuando uno es niño
La muchacha es... pues como tu mamá, porque te cuida...
Pero es más que eso.
Es tu confidente, tu maestra, tu acompañante, tu guardaespaldas, tu paño de lágrimas, y finalmente... tu amiga.
No sé lo que uno representa para la muchacha...
Supongo que sí, a veces uno es El Niño maleducado, prepotente, grosero e inútil que todos imaginan que somos. Es verdad. Pero quiero pensar que uno es más que eso...
Ese tipo de cariño...
Innombrable
Inequívoco
inexplicable
Que algunos logramos ver en Roma
Para muchos otros...
Roma siempre será una película lenta, plana, aburrida y sin chiste
P.S. No se lo digan a Guillermo del Toro, pero nunca antes me había importado tanto,
si una película ganaba o no el Oscar.
About the president's burgers.
I dunno how to like you Mr. T
I dunno how to stay neutral and continue telling myself that we all have our faults and that it's not nice to judge someone you barely know
But there's something about the way you pout your mouth when you speak
that makes me very anxious.
But I guess you wouldn't like me either
Because you also don't know me very much
and perhaps just because I bite my nails before class
You would decide that you don't know how to like me either.
Perhaps I don't understand the whole thing with the government shutdown very well
but it seems to have made you proud about buying onethousandorso hamburgers instead of having normal people who have a normal wage to prepare a normal meal for whoever these football people are.
And to me that makes no sense.
I dunno how to stay neutral and continue telling myself that we all have our faults and that it's not nice to judge someone you barely know
But there's something about the way you pout your mouth when you speak
that makes me very anxious.
But I guess you wouldn't like me either
Because you also don't know me very much
and perhaps just because I bite my nails before class
You would decide that you don't know how to like me either.
Perhaps I don't understand the whole thing with the government shutdown very well
but it seems to have made you proud about buying onethousandorso hamburgers instead of having normal people who have a normal wage to prepare a normal meal for whoever these football people are.
And to me that makes no sense.
New Year Solutions
Yes. I did write solutions on purpose.
I know they’re called “resolutions” but honestly, aren’t they actually solutions we’re trying to find to change the things about ourselves that we don’t like?
I wrote about “bullet journals” in the past. At the time I thought of them as useless, time consuming, pointless waste of trees. However, this year, I’d like to give them a second chance. It seems impossible for me to achieve any level of consistency with whatever goals or activities I tell myself I want to do. Wether it is because at heart I don’t really have a deep intention of doing them or because, for most of them, it seems to make no difference if I stop doing them. With reading, for example, I don’t feel any different on the days I’ve read than on those I haven’t. Perhaps the fact I’m able to mark it as a stupid dot on a page I only see will give me some sense of fulfillment. Perhaps having a line of 30 dots neatly aligned is, in fact, rewarding.
I guess the reason why resolutions have never worked for me is because I never take them seriously. I feel there’ll be no difference if I complete them or not. That is, I guess, the real trick. Truly believing that my life would be different if I did accomplish this things. Perhaps this is when all the “visualizing”stuff comes in.
I’ll try then to imagine that I do know enough French to take the DELF certificate.
That I’ve managed to continue drawing in the iPad and I’ve managed to improve my digital drawing skills.
That I’ve been able to visit enough new places to justify living abroad for a year and that I’ve completed enough journal and blog entries to prove that these visits have resulted in self-reflection and personal growth.
That I finally has a piece of paper which proves it took me two years of hard work and a whole lot of money to get a masters degree. (This one is funny because I don’t think it will help me get a better job at no point in the near future).
And finally, that if I workout 20-30 minutes and eat healthy food everyday, I will not look anywhere near Cindy Crawford did in the 90’s, but I will prevent my body from aging any faster than it needs to.
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