I have no break up story
which feels as soul wrenching
as the non- break up story
I had with Courtney
Everytime I tink of her
I feel my stomach turning over
because I had never admired someone as much
and learned so much from someone
and felt like I could be 100% myself
Until I couldn't
and it's taken me endless days and nights
trying to figure out
what I did wrong
and now I know
More or less I know
but I feel
I feel it should have been fixable
I feel we could have talked about it
but she didn't want to talk about it
she just shut me out
and maybe I souldn't have thought of her as a friend
but she was so great
she is
and she was my mentor
and she was funny
And I loved her in a very professional non romantic way
and I feel it's not my fault if I crossed a line
I was young
and if only someone had explained it to me I would have learned the same lesson
without all this heartbreak
and this...almost... trauma
because now at work
now that I again feel like I ave a chance to do something bigger
I'm scared
that I will be myself too much
and I will ruin it
of that I won't be myself enough
and it will show
and it will be perceived as me not being confident
and I won't get the job
But no
it's ok
I think I've learned
and it was thanks to you
that I learned where to draw the line...
more or less
I just don't think it needed to end this way.
I wish I knew what happened exactly.
I wish I could apologize
But now it's too late
probably nobody remembers
but me
because it hurt me in a way I didn't think was possible
And to this day... I still wonder why.