Leave this alone

How I feel about feeling
is inversely related to how I feel about my invisible freedom

where everyone thinks I'm free to do as I please
except me

where everything seems menacing.

And whatever I've got today I'm not willing to gamble tomorrow.

I don't f***g  know how to write in Spanish anymore.

I'm gonnna leave this alone.

Leave this alone.

I'll check back on Monday. When I'll be busy enough and then I'll be lonely enough and then on Wednesday. I have to send you your stuff on Wednesday so you get it on time.

Now I'll try and see if there's something in particular I feel like doing with my life for the next six months or so.

And I'll just have to live with it.

And I'll just have to live with it.

It's funny how I want people to read this and at the same time I'm worried that reading it will scare them away.
Well, you know? I can't worry about people running away from me or nt running away from me.

This is who I am.

This is what I came with.

With some extra pounds that I need to lose.
And a mouth that has no filter
With certain art entrapped inside of me
And through a blog I've found
that I can let go of things
or grab on to them harder

So I will have a place to write the things that I want to say

but shouldn't

I often wonder if just thinking about it counts as dreadful.

So if someone reads something here and
understands
and knows
who and what I'm talking about.
And because of that they walk away from me.

I'll just have to live with it.

But I'd rather have that.
Than keeping this to myself
And then getting cancer when I'm 45.

So if you go back home
and we start talking but then realize that we can't talk like we used to anymore
At least I'll have this.
I'll have written proof
of how important you once were to me
or, as described in another post, always will be.

We never made any promises. We never will.
Because promises depend on too many things that are beyond our control.
It would be irresponsible to make them.

As it is irresponsible, yet unavoidable, to have expectations
As it would be irresponsible to tell you the things I think about sometimes.

Like I don't see how I could suddenly lose interest in you when I think about you  so much.
It's a weird feeling that I can't define which makes me smile whenever I remember we're going to talk soon.

Or if I were to tell you that my life is honestly better with you in it.
Or how I keep creating this imaginary situations with you in them.

No, no, no. I can't publish this. I'm too scared you'll see it. I'll have to set the blog to private again.
DAMMIT.

I'm too scared of losing you . I don't want to go back to life without you. I don't.

You know? It's fine. It's not going to happen. It will all be fine.
You will never read this and that's how I know everything will be fine.

I'm not just going to live with it. Because no.

Learn To Deal

Learn not to speak your mind so often
for the world is not ready for it

Learn to cherish on the inside
and reflect on the importance of "belonging"

Learn to fake the feelings you can't feel
for the word "fake" exists for a reason.

Learn to be someone else from time to time
and keep your true self for whoever deserves it

For it is not worth your while
having to wait for people to adapt to you.

Learn to contain your tears
and turn them into glitter covered monsters.

Learn to deal with everyone and everything
For that is what at least half of life is truly made of.