I'm fat

I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat
You wouldn't believe how many times in a day I hear those words in my brain
When I wake up I'm fat
When I choose to skip a meal I'm fat
and when I eat, I eat because well...

I'm fat anyway

I've been fatter than I am now
but
I've also been less fat

Less fat

I've never been thin
never will be

I was born fat and I will die fat
and that's all that will ever matter

Everytime I see my mom
she comments on whether I'm more or less fat than the last time she commented on it
And when I dream
I dream of people telling me that I'm fatter than I think
Or less fat than I think
but it doesn't matter

Because whether it's more or less
It's always there

I once thought I had had this epihpany
when I realized whether I was fat or not didn't matter as much
as long as I was healthy

But I don't even feel healthy anymore
and perhaps I'm phyisically healthy but I don't think I'm having healthy thoughts about this anymore.

And I don't know how to turn the "I'm fat I'm fat I'm fat" into anything positive at all.